With just five weeks left until the theatrical opening of The Legend of Hercules, we can’t help but think of Gods, and far more importantly, Goddesses, of Mt. Olympus who were the true celebrities before there TVs or movies or iPods. The only music available was the lute and your natural voice, so that ruled out auto-tuned pop stars. You know all the guys in Ancient Greece got deep into lust with the immortal hotties living high up beyond the clouds.
Not much has changed to this very day. We still appreciate classic beauty. But with the ancient Goddesses dispelled to the four winds, we got to thinking which celebrities of today would make the best divine Greek replacements.
Christie Brinkley as Aphrodite. Naturally, she’s got killer looks and the long sexy locks. Much like the goddess Aphrodite, Christie has gone through many male mates in her time, four of the legally married variety.
Shailene Woodley as Artemis. The young Shailene Woodley is a nature-made crunchy kind of girl. She loves to spend her non-working time living in remote cabins in the woods without electricity and, like the goddess Artemis, foraging for grub.
Jennifer Lawrence as Athena. Athena was a sensitive poet and an artist, but at the center of it all, one crazy hot voluptuous blond. She was also known for her strategic thinking in times of war. Jennifer Lawrence has handled more than one battle smartly in Hollywood.
Carrie Underwood as Demeter. As the hot country girl, Carrie fits the bill for Demeter, the goddess of the heartland and farms. We’re not sure if Demeter looked quite as amazing in a halter top and Daisy Dukes as Carrie Underwood, but if she did, she was probably secretly the most powerful goddess.
Brooke Burke as Hera. The mother goddess of fertility just has to be Brooke Burke. I’m not sure exactly how many kids Brooke is up to at this point, but somehow she still manages to maintain one of the most toned bodies in Tinsel Town. She’s our Hera.
Reese Witherspoon as Hestia. Okay, so maybe Reese isn’t exactly the virgin goddess, but she always seems so sweet and innocent and caring of the hearth and home and family tradition. It doesn’t hurt either to be the best looking mom in the PTA.
Kim Kardashian as Gaia. Everything revolved around Gaia. The seas, the earth, the sun, the moon. She was the center of the Universe. Now, Kim Kardashian may actually be quite so important, but she certainly believes she is. She’s got to be Gaia.
Selena Gomez as Persephone. Persephone was the goddess of the Spring, a spry and fun loving little minx. But she was also bound to Hades, the Lord of the Underworld. Thankfully, Selena has since broken up with Justin Bieber, but she still comes closest to having married the devil himself.
Beyonce as Harmonia. Naturally, the goddess of harmony and and concord, Beyonce has managed to make herself the most searched person on the Internet and the center of positive celebrity news. On a side note, Harmonia ultimately became doomed by her own cursed bling, so there’s that too.
Taylor Swift as Nike. There’s many things you can say about Taylor Swift, but everyone has to agree, she is winning. Fame, fortune, every single music award under the sun. Love her or not so much, you can’t deny that Taylor Swift is the current goddess of victory.
(This post is sponsored by The Legend of Hercules, Opening in Theaters January 10, 2014)
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